Confession of A Veteran trying to be a Civilian

I have a hard time sleeping.  It’s not being tired, I am plenty tired, its something deeper, primal, something is just NOT there since I retired or even over the last year of so.   Still not sure what exactly stopped or what happened…but anyway.  I still go to the gym, most of my routines are still in place.  Early wake up, Gym, work….ect.  There is a part of life that just seems to be missing.  I have achieved everything that I wanted after retirement.  In 5 years I have reached the income level I desired, all of the children are in college and doing well.  Our home is nice, we are not wanting for much of anything…..but life seems to be coasting…..I’m bored.

Most days, as soon as I wake up, the energy of my body crests on my skin, like static on a warm, dry day.  Eager I am, eager for anything that will bring excitement to my life.  I fidget all the time, have to keep my hands moving, my mind moving.  Puzzles, doodles, to-do lists, cleaning, organizing… The days are always the same– Wake up, walk dogs, make coffee, go to work, make dinner, sleep….repeat.  Excitement is not really the right word, more like…Danger, Risk, Exhaustion, the Testing of limits…Evolution!  The risk of death in activity, the thrill of survival at any cost, the notion that I need to push myself past my limits..the struggle!

Everything is just easy as a civilian, tame, docile, polite, nice, orderly! It’s not adrenaline, it’s not a rush that comes over you all at once, it’s a burning in the center of your body, a gentle tingle in your fingers and toes, before you start PT, go to the Range for the day, or sitting on the plane/boat/landing craft waiting to arrive at a deployed location.  It’s a hole/feeling or stimulus that is somehow not there any more. 

Gosh, I sound like a junkie trying to get a fix…but I guess I am….Bored really.   Civilian life….or as I have come to call it lately, HUMAN life…is, well, boring.

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